The “Good Enough” Connection Part 2.

It angers me that I still think about him. He lied to me, took me for granted and stole a possible future from me! Why do I still think about him?

I’m being too harsh on myself, one half of me thinks. After all, I did love this man. Love….love? Did I really? Did I really love this man? If you didn’t why are you still thinking about him? Why are you still concerned about his mother’s health? Why do you still feel like you need to ask or remind him about certain things in his life?

Honestly….. I don’t know. What I know is whatever it was I felt for him, it was deep. It was so deep that I lost myself in it.

Why did you leave him then?

I left him out of self love. I love me too much to let myself get lost in something/someone that hurt me and didn’t bring me joy.

It took me sometime to learn that I can’t love someone out of their brokenness. My love for them can’t will them to fix themselves. All this did was break me. I was breaking apart and I didn’t ever realize it because I was too busy loving a broken man. It took too much out of me that I broke too.

There we were two broken people trying to love each other but only hurting each other more.

Saying he was broken doesn’t take away from all his wonderful qualities that made me fall in love with him in the first place. We had no business being in a relationship with each other or anyone else for that matter. He didn’t have much to give and I didn’t have enough. Now I don’t have anything left to give anyone myself included because I gave it all to him…..which angers me!

I was there for this man! I took on his burdens! They were heavy AF! But I took them on anyway. In my mind, helping him would make him realize that he’s loved, he’s cared for, someone’s got his back. I can’t speak for him, I can only speak on what I saw and felt. I felt unloved, unappreciated and I felt like he didn’t have my back and here I was…still am, carrying his burdens for him. Breaking my back for man who seems not to give a shit about me!

My friend Wangui says I’m attracted to broken things. I want to fix everything. There’s some truth to that because I have a slight case of OCD. But this is extreme even for OCD!

I’m trying to let go of all the baggage I’ve picked up over the years. It’s hard because I thought I was over a lot of it and had let it go only to realize I was still carrying all that shit with me.

I’m just now accepting that a lot of things that I told myself I was are not true and that’s the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my life.

Facing myself as broken as I am now and loving me in this state is hard! Accepting that I’m broken and loving myself anyway is the most liberating feeling yet. I know I’m on a journey back to being whole but I’m glad this journey has began.

I’m learning it’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to miss him. Its okay to feel frustrated with myself for missing him. It’s all part of this journey.

Today I end this post with a piece whose author I don’t know but this piece speaks to me on a very deep level….

Also if you know who wrote it, let me know so I can give them due credit.

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The “Good Enough” Connection

This one right here is for the ladies.

“Another one for the ladies…….” (now sing that in Bien’s voice…. Lol

Okay sis, we need to talk. I’m here to vent, to reassure not only you but me too, and to soul search.

I’ll start by saying, I don’t have all the answers and I’m not giving advice. We are figuring this out together.

I saw a post the other day that said “women leave you emotionally ages before they leave you physically” and after reading that a lot of things clicked for me. Things just started to make sense. Now let me give you the back story. I cut off my dreadlocks which, I’d had for close to four years. I quit my job and went back to school and walked away from a relationship. I was done. D.O.N.E!

Last year, I was in a relationship with a man I really thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. Now let me put that in context. I’m a romantic, a hopeless one at that. I cry while watching romantic movies, hell, I cry reading romantic novels but never in my life had I dated a guy or even seen a guy and thought, I’ll marry this man some day. I even went as far as to say some cliché shit to my cousins like “when you know, you know. You know?” Lol. The problem is I knew. But I was the only one in the relationship who knew.

This man was everything I had been asking God for. (*sidebar* I think God was trying to teach me a lesson. What you want is not necessarily what you need but that is a blog post for another day) now back to this man, physically he was what I wanted; dark skinned, I like men with a whole lot of melanin, his beard connected ( you know there’s so many men out here with patchy-ass beards feeling themselves way too much, like have several seats! Your beard don’t even connect! But I ain’t a hater so let me mind my business and wait on my blessing. Girl, being single is hard 😔) anyway, this man, he was thick too because I love a thickums. I know skinny dudes need love too but they just ain’t getting it from me😏. This man was smart. I love a man I can have an intelligent conversation with about anything and everything. He gave good and sound advice and he was passionate about his work. I like when someone is passionate about something. It gives you more drive. He was funny. He made me laugh…… I’d over look a lot of things for a good sense of humor.

I loved that this man, who at the time I thought was perfect, wanted to be with me. This man thought I was beautiful and worthy of being claimed as his girlfriend not too long after meeting me. I thought, he must see something in me I don’t see in myself. Sis, here is where I lost the plot. I know I’m not the only one I’m sure, a lot of us have gone through this. I started to feel special because he was treating me special and the moment he stopped, which was not because of anything I did or said, I started to feel like there was something wrong with me. I felt like I needed to prove to him what a good woman I am. How loving, patient and caring I am. This took me to a very dark place. A very unhappy place.

The worst part was I couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through because 1. I felt like I needed to protect him. I felt like I needed to protect us. I didn’t want to bring people into our business. And 2. Because I was very embarrassed. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a very head strong person who doesn’t take any BS from anyone. Yet here I was, taking heap loads of BS.

I don’t even understand why I felt I needed to protect him while he had no interest in protecting how I felt. Girl, I was doing the most while ol’ dude was not even bothered enough to do the bear minimum….but anyway😒

I took pride in the fact that I’d done, and continue to do, the work of fixing me. Slaying my demons, burning my skeletons and unlearning a lot of unhealthy shit that I’d picked up over the years. I told myself that I was ready for a man who was as self-awear as I was. I’d done the work. So I needed to be tested on just how strong I was. That’s why we do exams. You said you’ve read and understood, now prove it! This relationship was my exam.

This man came up to me talking all slick, looking all nice and smelling so darn good. He was smiling at me looking like a whole darn snack….looking like the whole menu even lol. He was so charming and charismatic that i missed all the red flags. A red siren could have gone off and I wouldn’t have seen it let alone heard it. I was so taken by this man that I didn’t even realize that all that hard work I had put into myself was slowly being undone.

Sis, this is the issue. We somehow lose ourselves and let all our hard work become undone and we allow ourselves to be in situations we should never have been in. This is why I want us to talk. I want us to feel safe enough to speak. I don’t want any of us to ever feel as embarrassed as I did because had I spoken to my girlfriends, I’d have walked away from that situation before things escalated with their encouragement and support. I’d have never felt the hurt, I’d have never felt the sense of betrayal, I’d have never felt as drained and lonely. Isn’t that crazy, I was in a relationship with someone I supposedly loved and who supposedly loved me and I felt lonely…..

Self care is beyond important! We as women, we often put other people’s needs and wants before our own. Saying we should stop this, I realize it’s easier said than done but, it has to be done. We have to realize that “I am the most important person to me” because if I’m not okay, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, then the people around me who I care for are not okay.

I’m beyond thankful for the wonder women I have for friends who, loved me and supported me through my lessons in life. Wangui, Bobo, Faith and Charity I love you guys. And Kami, I love you.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for a woman to have a great support system of other women. Sis, we need to build each other up. We will reach higher standing on each others shoulders than we would when we tear each other down. Believe it or not, there is room out here for all of us to succeeded.

I hope you, as I will, continue to do self work and continue to be strong even when your strength is tested. I wish you love and light.

Shiro.

Accepting The Feels.

I recently had a conversation with my friend Wangui, about how we as women have put up such high walls to protect ourselves from men and/or boys who time and time again have used our hearts as disposable play things.

So….let me back track so you can get some perspective. I met a guy who I click with, in various ways 😉 then I found myself in a situation. I’ve never been in a situation before. I don’t know what the ins and outs of a situation are. I hear each situation is different. Anyway, so back to this guy. He has been so nice to me and so mature about things and he takes the initiative to ask me to do things with him. He knows where he wants the situation to end up and what he wants out of it.

Guys, this is a first for me!

I have only been with men (read boys) who only did things because I asked or because I nagged them to do those things. I’ve never been with a guy who thought it was his responsibility to make me feel secure in our relationship. In the past, if I had an issue or raised an issue with the guy or the relationship, I’d get blamed for it or told I’m imaging things or just get dismissed. Now, all my thoughts are valid and most things i say are taken into consideration.

He is almost everything I’d want in a man. He is driven, self-awear, he is kind yet assertive. He is responsible and to top it all off, he is very good looking with a killer smile. We get on really well, we can talk about literally anything and I feel comfortable around him.

All of that said, you’d think that I can’t wait to be in a relationship with this amazing guy. Well, I can’t wait…. But I’m in my own way. I’m scared. I’m really really scared. Every single time I’ve opened my heart up to the possibility of love, it’s been broken. I’ve built walls around my heart to protect it from breaking again. This is now becoming a problem, because I’ve had theses walls up for three years, I think I’ve forgotten how to exist without them. I’ve forgotten how to be in a relationship, how to be a girlfriend. I’m used to only thinking about me and what I want to do. I’ve become very selfish over the last few years, selfish with my time, my emotions and with my heart.

I’m very scared to bring down my walls. I’m scared of allowing myself to fall in love. Because I fall hard, I’m also scared of the person I’ll became when I fall in love with this guy. But most of all I’m scared of getting my heart broken again.

So now, I’m in a space where I’m falling for this guy but I’m not letting myself fall too fast, too deep.

My friend Wangui told me; wanting love and a relationship also means allowing yourself to feel. It also means that you are accepting the possibility of getting hurt. So…..I let myself feel. I’m now in a relationship and loving it.

Peace & Love.

In my feelings and then some.

So I recently told this guy that I have a  crush on him. It was a bold move because I was putting myself out there, but my biggest question to myself is, what was I putting myself out there for?

I think I’m finally finding myself. I finally know what I want with my life. I’m finally figuring out my place in this world which is amazing because all this is happening just before I turn 24.

So now back to this guy. I like him. I think he’s hella cute. Yes I just used the word ‘hella’….lol I think he has an amazing personality. He would make an amazing boyfriend but I’m not sure he would make an amazing boyfriend to me.

I mean I know I’m the one who set this whole thing in motion by telling him how I feel but that doesn’t mean I want something to happen between us. I quite like our current dynamic. I don’t want to ruin our current relationship. Our friendship. But this isn’t even about that. I’m they type of girl who gets all wrapped up in her man’s life. I have my own life but he becomes a major priority. In the past I’ve let my relationships consume my life. I think it’s major progress that I’m even admitting that. The fact is, I’m a working progress….I’m not in a position to be with anyone right now.
I think that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud….wow. This is profound for me right now.

As much as I like this guy and dream about him and our brown sugar babies, there really isn’t much for us in the way of a relationship right now. Maybe in the future…who  knows.

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Peace&love.

I Know What I Like….

I always thought I wasn’t shallow. Like I would be with any type of guy. I judged materialistic women. I judged shallow women even more hushly. This is not to say that I am materialist or superficial. Because I am not.
Let’s put it this way. We all have our preferences. Some girls like guys with money and thats what’s most attractive in guy for them and that’s fine….do you boo boo! Some girls like tall guys, height is sexy to them and that is cool too. I happen to be one of those girls who like tall guys. I personally think height is sexy. That said, there are guys who are not so tall that I would date, But I generally would not date a short guy. Height is my thing. The same way a guy would like a curvy girl and only date curvy girls.

I think to some point this is superficial but it is what it is. I’ve made my peace with it. We all have our preferences. Which is scientifically proven by the way, we have brain maps: subconscious check boxes if you will, for what we like and find attractive and what we don’t like so it’s human nature.
Don’t get me wrong though, I am not in anyway saying that it’s okay not to like someone or treat them badly just because its human nature. We all have a responsibility to each other. We, as human beings, should treat each other with respect no matter what size, colour, age, gender, sexual orientation and back ground one comes from.

All this is to say, we find certain things attractive that draws us to those people. I am drawn to tall guys. I don’t care what colour you are, you could be an Avatar or the Hulk. As long as you’re tall I’m with it. I like to tell myself that I don’t have a size preference but I do. I don’t like skinny guys and very buff guys. You can be muscular but not super buff. I also like, as a friend recently put it, chunky monkeys (lol). I don’t mind a chubby guy in fact, I like chubby guys, there’s more for me to love. They give the best hugs….I’m smiling right now just thinking about it.

Now, knowing what you like is not bad but judging people off of what you don’t like is wrong. There’s no wrong way to have a body. On that note I will do my best in the future not to judge shallow superficial gold digging women. Everyone to their own….
Peace&Love

DO NOT CONFUSE MY KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS  

I’m in my feelings right now so I’m trying to be PC .. You mother effers  done tried it!  Just because I’m nice don’t mean you got a meal ticket out of whichever situation you are in. Listen, or rather read closely,if you ain’t never been down for me, I sure as hell won’t be down for your stupid ass. I’m tired of guys thinking just because I’m nice I’ll go out of my way to help you or do whatever it is you need. I understand why you would think that though, I have done that A LOT in the past. But that’s the past! Ain’t nobody got time for that foolishness no more. I know better now.

So don’t ask me for favors no more if you have never done nothing for me. I know that’s selfish. It really is but it’s time my time and efforts became worth something. I ain’t about to do anything for mother effers who don’t deserve shit. It’s time I put my needs before all of yours.

I am angry! I am hurt. I am disappointed. I can’t live my life like this anymore . I’m tired of caring about a lot of shitty people and shit things that/who don’t mean shit anyway. I’m nobody’s mama, certainly ain’t nobody’s bae so I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want when I want with who I want just because that’s what I want and your opinions and judgements have no place here. I’m living for me now.

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A Letter To 17 year old Me

My friend Kui, asked me what advice I’d give to the 17 year old me, knowing what I know now. So I thought I’d write a letter to the 17 year old Wanjiru.

Dear dear 17 year old Wanjiru,

Firstly, you are beautiful! I know you have been struggling with your weight and body image. Don’t worry about it. You look good, you are gorgeous! I know you are also trying to figure out why boys are so stupid, well, I still haven’t figured that out yet because even at 23, I think they are still stupid.  We are still playing stupid teenage games with each other so it really hasn’t gotten better….maybe the 28 year old us will have it together.

I don’t want to tell you what you will become, but your life has been pretty awesome so far. I will tell you this though, don’t be afraid to live. The “the good girl” role is nice but It may make you miss out on a few things. I’m not saying go wild, I’m saying, learn to let your hair down. Learn to take it easy a little.

The biggest thing I would tell you though is, you wear your heart on your sleeve too much. I’m always telling people they should let down their walls but you should do the opposite. You should build a wall to keep all the bullshit out. Trust me, some experiences are not worth it. You love and care for people very easily. That’s a good thing….for the most part. Not everyone deserves to be loved or cared for. You need to find out or rather discern who is worth it or not.

The other thing that I’m also straggling with is knowing what’s worth it to me and my self worth. I’ve been in a few situations where I felt my worth was not being recognised. It took me a while to recognise it myself but now that I know what I’m worth I refuse to be treated any less or taken for granted. I wish you learn this sooner than I did.

You have a lot going for you. You are beautiful, funny, intelligent, creative and a whole lot more. So don’t ever put yourself down or try to make yourself less than you are for anyone. You will find people who are accepting of you as you are. At twenty three I’m still looking for “the one”. There are a lot of fake “ones” out here so be careful. Don’t settle for less!

Remain passionate, remain positive, remain you. The world is full of endless possibilities. There is a place for you in this world. You just have to find it.
Be limitless.

Love,
23 year old you.

Linear Like/Love

This, like a couple of my previous posts suggest, happens to me A LOT! I like this guy but he likes some other girl and probably that other girl doesn’t like this guy as much as I do and probably likes some other guy hence why its love/like in a straight line.

So, what do you do when the guy/girl you like/love likes/loves someone else? Well, I don’t know! When this happened in the past I became the bff. I was happy to play a role in his life, which ever role, even if it was not the role I wanted. I was young and dumb and I am done doing that shit!

If I like you and you know I like you and you don’t do anything about it or you are in another relationship or you like someone else, then I’m done with that whole situation. I think I’m too awesome to just sit there and wait for your ass to see how amazing I am! I won’t beg for what I know I deserve! Bitches be like…

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I know I’m a gem. If the guy I like doesn’t realise that then that’s his loss. If he is in another situation, I would never ask him to leave his current situation because of me. I am not that girl! I guess that would be bad timing!

My point is, we should never be put in a situation where we feel we have to settle for a role we know we don’t deserve. To hell with all that best friend shit. I’m too amazing to be playing second fiddle to anyone! I know what I deserve and I’m not going to accept anything less than what I deserve!

If you love you deserve to be loved….whole heartedly! No more bff stories!

A Few Good Men.

I know I give guys a hard time for how they treat women. Some of you are ass holes there’s no denying that but this blog post today is dedicated to the guys who get it right!
There are guys out there who hold doors and pull chairs. Guys who handle they business!!! I have decided to tip my hat to them, the real Men.

There are guys out there who treat their girls right. Who love and respect the women they are with. We often generalize and put all men in the same category. Which is not fair. We use statements like ‘all men are dogs’. Which, by the way, won’t get us women anywhere! We’ll just end up old and bitter and alone!

There are guys who realise when they have a good woman and treat her like the gem that she is. These guys are patient and reliable. They don’t give up when we make them pay for the sins of those who came before him and damaged us. They love a woman until she learns to love and trust again but more importantly they love her until she learns to love herself again. They don’t look for recognition or praise. They don’t display their love for you on social media only. They love you even behind closed doors. They are there for you genuinely!

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These guys understand that its not enough to just tell her you love her. You have to show her, because you know she has heard it all before. For her to believe you, you have to show her you are worthy of her love and she is worthy of yours. That she is worthy of love.

Today we celebrate the men who know what it is to have a good woman. The men whose mother did a good job on. The men who Hold it down! We appreciate you. I see you boo. Keep doing you!

Always the BFF but never the Bae

So I’ve always been a guy’s girl. I watch football and give female insight. I was always the bff but never the bae. I always ended up giving advice to the guys I liked on their relationships with other women.

I have come to the point in my life where I’m done rolling with the punches. I want my own man. I’m done being bff I want to be bae.

I will still watch football and be that chill chick of the group but somethings gotta give!!!

Its not like I’m demanding for a ring on my finger right now! I just want to take walks holding hands and be called babe or whichever other cute name. I want to go on dates and to be cared for as I care for someone. I want to chill with said person and watch movies. I want to have matching Aresenal jerseys. I want to go swimming and have ice cream or hot chocolate after. I want to be bae not bff.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being the one the guys call for advice. I love being the one they call to chill with. I love being a guy’s girl, sometimes. Not all the time. Because that’s who I am.

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Its cool to hang out with the guys. I don’t have an older brother. They make me feel like I have older brothers. They stand up for me and teach me many useful and sometimes not so useful things. But a girl also wants to feel like a girl. She wants a man! I get I’m not a girly girl but all girls need some loving.

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Here is to all girls who are made of everything fine…may we find baes and good loving.