Online Dating?

So as part of research for a web series I’m doing, I set up profiles on various dating sites. I was pleasantly surprised. Going into this social experiment I had my own perceptions of the people I’d find on these sites. I thought only people who were busy professionals who didn’t have time to meet people conventionally and socially awkward people were the only people I’d find on these sites. I was amazed to find all sorts of people. I was also shocked to find people looking for lasting relationships on these sites. I know that the purpose of the site is for people to find love but I really didn’t think in the Kenyan context, I’d find that many people. There are so many Kenyan men on these sites. I’m guessing there are just as many Kenyan women too….as the law of demand and supply would dictate, but I wasn’t looking for women.

Which begs the question, why are so many people opting to look for love online? In my opinion and personal experience, you can be yourself without caring what other people think on these sites or you can be somebody totally different. It offers you certain freedoms you can’t have being your physical self. You could set up a profile as your alter ego and just go HAM! Which would be fun if you like that sort of thing. It also gives you a certain kind of comfort. You feel more comfortable sharing and talking about things you’d never talked about with people face to face, a few days or weeks after meeting them. 

I think, the fact that people can be more honest and open online than they are in person is the reason why many people, not just Kenyans, have resulted to finding love online. Which I think is funny. I thought people were often pretentious on the internet…trying to show themselves in a much better light on social media. I find that the opposite is true on dating sites, at least for those who take it seriously. They tend to display their most honest selves in hopes of finding someone who will appreciate them for who they are. There are no layers to peel off to find out who a person really is. What you see is what you get. In some cases at least.

One thing I’ve learned from being on these sites is, that there’s someone for everyone. Also, there are so many people who you wouldn’t meet the conventional way who would be interested in you. With online dating, your net is cast wider and further as compared to conventional means of dating. You will be able to reach a larger group of potentials at ago. Although, they all are not the person you are looking for but you have a higher chance of meeting the person or persons you are looking for. 

You will be messaged by creepy crazy people, but also you will also talk to someone awesome who will be an amazing conversationalist and if you are lucky, he/she is easy on the eyes too. What I love most about dating sites is, that it gives people a chance to get to know each other based on personality first. My argument has always been, that you could be physically attracted to someone but have nothing in common. But if you like how someone thinks and you have similar interests you can at least end up being friends…..at least. 

The other thing about some of these sites is they show you based on your profile and questions you’ve answered on the site, your compatibility in percentages with other people. So they suggest people to you as matches with respect to your percentage match. The questions answered can also be viewed publicly. So a person can get to know the kind of person you are just by going through your answers. They get to know what your political, spiritual, sexual, and ethical stands are from how you’ve answered the questions. Which in my opinion saves a person a lot of time. You get to decide right from the start who you think you would get along with based on all the information you have from the app/site.

Based on everything I’ve talked about, it’s clear that an individual’s character and beliefs are much more important to me than just how they look. So for that reason, I did not sign up for dating apps that just let you swipe left or right on a person’s picture without giving you more information about them.

Here are two of the apps/sites I really enjoyed:

Bumble: on this app women have to make the first move. After you match the woman has to start the conversation.

OkCupid: I like this one because I feel like they have a very comprehensive question pool.

 

Happy hunting or fishing….lol

Love and Depression.

I haven’t posted in a long time. I have written a lot of pieces that didn’t get published because for a while, I felt like I had nothing of value to say. 

Usually, I post when I’m going through something. Writing helps me process and posting helps others going through the same thing feel like they aren’t alone.

Now, I feel like I have something to say about a life experience because experience really is the best teacher. So here goes:

My relationship of close to eleven months just ended. I’m not hurt or angry. I’m just sad. I really loved this man. I even thought, at one point, that he could be “it”. Let me backtrack a little so you can understand what a big deal this was for me. I have over the years build walls to protect myself from feeling how I feel now. I don’t think there was a single relationship in the past where I let down all my walls or I let someone in totally. Hell, I don’t think I was ever really in love with anyone until this man. 

When the relationship started I was hesitant, but I made a conscious decision to give this relationship a real chance and I did. For the first time in my life, I was completely vulnerable with someone. I let him in 100%. Everyone who knows me knows, I’m a feeler. I am an emotional being. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot, hence why I built the walls, I get hurt easily without them. But I let this man in and for a time I was happy. I was so happy I think I made the people around me sick. You know when someone falls in love and they are sickeningly happy? Yep, that was me. 

Then things started to fall apart. Here I was so completely in love with this man who said he loved me, yet his actions never seemed to match his words. 

He goes through cycles of depression. I do too. We were both battling depression long before we met each other. I told him about my struggle without mentioning that word, Depression. In my opinion, it’s an ugly word. It’s a word that gets you judged. It’s a word that makes people draw conclusions without even understanding it first. Then he told me he went through the same thing and he understands my struggle. I felt relieved.

First of all, let me explain. Depression presents in different ways. Just because he and I both battled depression doesn’t mean we would go through the same thing in the same way. I got really good at hiding what I’m going through because I have people depending on me, like my family or work. So as much as I’m hurting and want to lock myself up in a room, I couldn’t do that so I go through the motions of a “normal” life then cry myself to sleep every night. Contemplated self-harm and even suicide a few times. He, on the other hand, withdraws from the world. He doesn’t pick up calls or even leave the house at all.

Back to the actual story. About a month and a half into the relationship he got depressed. He became withdrawn and I didn’t know what was going on, because like I said I don’t present like that, I asked him about it and he told me what was going on. I decided I’m going to be there for him and we can get through it together. I was there for him.

I had just started a new career path and things were going great. I had my first milestones in my new line of work and I asked him to come and not only witness them but just to show up for me and support me but he never did. Not even once. That hurt me.

There were a series of other things that happened that hurt me, deeply! I cried. I don’t usually cry like that but over the course of that relationship, I cried a lot. I cried so much I couldn’t even believe myself. All the hurt and sadness started to trigger my depression. The whole month of June, I only left my room a handful of times I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t talking to people much. My family don’t even know I’ve been battling depression for the last four years. So my change in behaviour was very strange to them. I just locked myself up and slept. The only thing I wanted to do is sleep. During this time, this man had only contacted me a handful of times. We’d text each other twice a week or so.

I finally decided to choose me over all this madness. Thank goodness for amazing friends.  My friend Kui, kept telling me to choose myself and I finally did. 

There are a few lessons to be learned from this experience.

1. You are the most important person to you. Always look out for you first.

2. It is possible for people with depression to be in a relationship. They both have to be willing to work at it. If only one person keeps making the effort they compromise their mental health. Both people have to be willing to put in the work of any and all relationships to work.

3. Learn to recognize when you have a good thing going. Also, recognize when it’s no longer good. There is no reason to ruin what could a good friendship later by staying too long and becoming resentful towards a person you once loved.

We live and we learn. 

Love&Light.