Accepting The Feels.

I recently had a conversation with my friend Wangui, about how we as women have put up such high walls to protect ourselves from men and/or boys who time and time again have used our hearts as disposable play things.

So….let me back track so you can get some perspective. I met a guy who I click with, in various ways 😉  then I found myself in a situation. I’ve never been in a situation before. I don’t know what the ins and outs of a situation are. I hear each situation is different. Anyway, so back to this guy. He has been so nice to me and so mature about things and he takes the initiative to ask me to do things with him. He knows where he wants the situation to end up and what he wants out of it.              Guys, this is a first for me!

I have only been with men (read boys) who only did things because I asked or because I nagged them to do those things. I’ve never been with a guy who thought it was his responsibility to make me feel secure in our relationship. In the past, if I had an issue or raised an issue with the guy or the relationship, I’d get blamed for it or told I’m imaging things or just get dismissed. Now, all my thoughts are valid and most things i say are taken into consideration.

He is almost everything I’d want in a man. He is driven, self-awear, he is kind yet assertive. He is responsible and to top it all off, he is very good looking with a killer smile. We get on really well, we can talk about literally anything and I feel comfortable around him. 

All of that said, you’d think that I can’t wait to be in a relationship with this amazing guy. Well, I can’t wait…. But I’m in my own way. I’m scared. I’m really really scared. Every single time I’ve opened my heart up to the possibility of love, it’s been broken. I’ve built walls around my heart to protect it from breaking again. This is now becoming a problem, because I’ve had theses walls up for three years, I think I’ve forgotten how to exist without them. I’ve forgotten how to be in a relationship, how to be a girlfriend. I’m used to only thinking about me and what I want to do. I’ve become very selfish over the last few years, selfish with my time, my emotions and with my heart. 

I’m very scared to bring down my walls. I’m scared of allowing myself to fall in love. Because I fall hard, I’m also scared of the person I’ll became when I fall in love with this guy. But most of all I’m scared of getting my heart broken again.

So now, I’m in a space where I’m falling for this guy but I’m not letting myself fall too fast, too deep.

My friend Wangui told me; wanting love and a relationship also means allowing yourself to feel. It also means that you are accepting the possibility of getting hurt. So…..I let myself feel. I’m now in a relationship and loving it.

Peace & Love.

In my feelings and then some.

So I recently told this guy that I have a  crush on him. It was a bold move because I was putting myself out there, but my biggest question to myself is, what was I putting myself out there for?

I think I’m finally finding myself. I finally know what I want with my life. I’m finally figuring out my place in this world which is amazing because all this is happening just before I turn 24.

So now back to this guy. I like him. I think he’s hella cute. Yes I just used the word ‘hella’….lol I think he has an amazing personality. He would make an amazing boyfriend but I’m not sure he would make an amazing boyfriend to me.

I mean I know I’m the one who set this whole thing in motion by telling him how I feel but that doesn’t mean I want something to happen between us. I quite like our current dynamic. I don’t want to ruin our current relationship. Our friendship. But this isn’t even about that. I’m they type of girl who gets all wrapped up in her man’s life. I have my own life but he becomes a major priority. In the past I’ve let my relationships consume my life. I think it’s major progress that I’m even admitting that. The fact is, I’m a working progress….I’m not in a position to be with anyone right now.
I think that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud….wow. This is profound for me right now.

As much as I like this guy and dream about him and our brown sugar babies, there really isn’t much for us in the way of a relationship right now. Maybe in the future…who  knows.

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Peace&love.

I Know What I Like….

I always thought I wasn’t shallow. Like I would be with any type of guy. I judged materialistic women. I judged shallow women even more hushly. This is not to say that I am materialist or superficial. Because I am not.
Let’s put it this way. We all have our preferences. Some girls like guys with money and thats what’s most attractive in guy for them and that’s fine….do you boo boo! Some girls like tall guys, height is sexy to them and that is cool too. I happen to be one of those girls who like tall guys. I personally think height is sexy. That said, there are guys who are not so tall that I would date, But I generally would not date a short guy. Height is my thing. The same way a guy would like a curvy girl and only date curvy girls.

I think to some point this is superficial but it is what it is. I’ve made my peace with it. We all have our preferences. Which is scientifically proven by the way, we have brain maps: subconscious check boxes if you will, for what we like and find attractive and what we don’t like so it’s human nature.
Don’t get me wrong though, I am not in anyway saying that it’s okay not to like someone or treat them badly just because its human nature. We all have a responsibility to each other. We, as human beings, should treat each other with respect no matter what size, colour, age, gender, sexual orientation and back ground one comes from.

All this is to say, we find certain things attractive that draws us to those people. I am drawn to tall guys. I don’t care what colour you are, you could be an Avatar or the Hulk. As long as you’re tall I’m with it. I like to tell myself that I don’t have a size preference but I do. I don’t like skinny guys and very buff guys. You can be muscular but not super buff. I also like, as a friend recently put it, chunky monkeys (lol). I don’t mind a chubby guy in fact, I like chubby guys, there’s more for me to love. They give the best hugs….I’m smiling right now just thinking about it.

Now, knowing what you like is not bad but judging people off of what you don’t like is wrong. There’s no wrong way to have a body. On that note I will do my best in the future not to judge shallow superficial gold digging women. Everyone to their own….
Peace&Love

A Letter To 17 year old Me

My friend Kui, asked me what advice I’d give to the 17 year old me, knowing what I know now. So I thought I’d write a letter to the 17 year old Wanjiru.

Dear dear 17 year old Wanjiru,

Firstly, you are beautiful! I know you have been struggling with your weight and body image. Don’t worry about it. You look good, you are gorgeous! I know you are also trying to figure out why boys are so stupid, well, I still haven’t figured that out yet because even at 23, I think they are still stupid.  We are still playing stupid teenage games with each other so it really hasn’t gotten better….maybe the 28 year old us will have it together.

I don’t want to tell you what you will become, but your life has been pretty awesome so far. I will tell you this though, don’t be afraid to live. The “the good girl” role is nice but It may make you miss out on a few things. I’m not saying go wild, I’m saying, learn to let your hair down. Learn to take it easy a little.

The biggest thing I would tell you though is, you wear your heart on your sleeve too much. I’m always telling people they should let down their walls but you should do the opposite. You should build a wall to keep all the bullshit out. Trust me, some experiences are not worth it. You love and care for people very easily. That’s a good thing….for the most part. Not everyone deserves to be loved or cared for. You need to find out or rather discern who is worth it or not.

The other thing that I’m also straggling with is knowing what’s worth it to me and my self worth. I’ve been in a few situations where I felt my worth was not being recognised. It took me a while to recognise it myself but now that I know what I’m worth I refuse to be treated any less or taken for granted. I wish you learn this sooner than I did.

You have a lot going for you. You are beautiful, funny, intelligent, creative and a whole lot more. So don’t ever put yourself down or try to make yourself less than you are for anyone. You will find people who are accepting of you as you are. At twenty three I’m still looking for “the one”. There are a lot of fake “ones” out here so be careful. Don’t settle for less!

Remain passionate, remain positive, remain you. The world is full of endless possibilities. There is a place for you in this world. You just have to find it.
Be limitless.

Love,
23 year old you.

Linear Like/Love

This, like a couple of my previous posts suggest, happens to me A LOT! I like this guy but he likes some other girl and probably that other girl doesn’t like this guy as much as I do and probably likes some other guy hence why its love/like in a straight line.

So, what do you do when the guy/girl you like/love likes/loves someone else? Well, I don’t know! When this happened in the past I became the bff. I was happy to play a role in his life, which ever role, even if it was not the role I wanted. I was young and dumb and I am done doing that shit!

If I like you and you know I like you and you don’t do anything about it or you are in another relationship or you like someone else, then I’m done with that whole situation. I think I’m too awesome to just sit there and wait for your ass to see how amazing I am! I won’t beg for what I know I deserve! Bitches be like…

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I know I’m a gem. If the guy I like doesn’t realise that then that’s his loss. If he is in another situation, I would never ask him to leave his current situation because of me. I am not that girl! I guess that would be bad timing!

My point is, we should never be put in a situation where we feel we have to settle for a role we know we don’t deserve. To hell with all that best friend shit. I’m too amazing to be playing second fiddle to anyone! I know what I deserve and I’m not going to accept anything less than what I deserve!

If you love you deserve to be loved….whole heartedly! No more bff stories!

A Few Good Men.

I know I give guys a hard time for how they treat women. Some of you are ass holes there’s no denying that but this blog post today is dedicated to the guys who get it right!
There are guys out there who hold doors and pull chairs. Guys who handle they business!!! I have decided to tip my hat to them, the real Men.

There are guys out there who treat their girls right. Who love and respect the women they are with. We often generalize and put all men in the same category. Which is not fair. We use statements like ‘all men are dogs’. Which, by the way, won’t get us women anywhere! We’ll just end up old and bitter and alone!

There are guys who realise when they have a good woman and treat her like the gem that she is. These guys are patient and reliable. They don’t give up when we make them pay for the sins of those who came before him and damaged us. They love a woman until she learns to love and trust again but more importantly they love her until she learns to love herself again. They don’t look for recognition or praise. They don’t display their love for you on social media only. They love you even behind closed doors. They are there for you genuinely!

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These guys understand that its not enough to just tell her you love her. You have to show her, because you know she has heard it all before. For her to believe you, you have to show her you are worthy of her love and she is worthy of yours. That she is worthy of love.

Today we celebrate the men who know what it is to have a good woman. The men whose mother did a good job on. The men who Hold it down! We appreciate you. I see you boo. Keep doing you!

Always the BFF but never the Bae

So I’ve always been a guy’s girl. I watch football and give female insight. I was always the bff but never the bae. I always ended up giving advice to the guys I liked on their relationships with other women.

I have come to the point in my life where I’m done rolling with the punches. I want my own man. I’m done being bff I want to be bae.

I will still watch football and be that chill chick of the group but somethings gotta give!!!

Its not like I’m demanding for a ring on my finger right now! I just want to take walks holding hands and be called babe or whichever other cute name. I want to go on dates and to be cared for as I care for someone. I want to chill with said person and watch movies. I want to have matching Aresenal jerseys. I want to go swimming and have ice cream or hot chocolate after. I want to be bae not bff.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being the one the guys call for advice. I love being the one they call to chill with. I love being a guy’s girl, sometimes. Not all the time. Because that’s who I am.

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Its cool to hang out with the guys. I don’t have an older brother. They make me feel like I have older brothers. They stand up for me and teach me many useful and sometimes not so useful things. But a girl also wants to feel like a girl. She wants a man! I get I’m not a girly girl but all girls need some loving.

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Here is to all girls who are made of everything fine…may we find baes and good loving.

Happy Endings?

This blog will be one year old in a couple of weeks. I’m super excited about that. That said, I have been reviewing my subject matter for this blog and most of it has been relationship related. Specifically how men do us good girls wrong. My last blog post was actually all about that.
I openly declared on this blog how I’m tired of not being appreciated and how I want a man who will love me and appreciate me for me.

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You know the saying be careful what you wish for because you just might get it? Yeah? well, be careful. I think I got what I wished for.  He is caring, a good listener, has that dark sense of humour that I like maybe even a little darker than I like but its all good. He does the things he says he’ll do. Calls when I don’t even expect him to. He makes me blush so hard its embarrassing! He is not as tall as I like them but that’s okay too.

So what’s my problem? What’s bugging me? Am I that damaged that I’m having problems accepting the guy I know I deserve?

I call what I’m going through the bad bitch syndrome (BBS). I really like this guy but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to become the selfish, arrogant ass hole I have known men to be. My mind always rushes to the worst possible scenario. Like right now, its 5:00 A.M but I can’t sleep because I had a dream that he was cheating on me. Which is completely absurd because he and I are not even official yet.
I’m driving myself nuts with paranoia.

Why can’t I just accept that finally a man worthy of me has come into my life. A man who makes me feel so good about myself when I’m around him. A man who is open and honest with me. A man who genuinely carers about me. A man that I can’t help but imagine a future with. A man who takes me seriously….

I feel bad for women of my generation. I’m sure I am not the only one who feels this way when they finally get a good guy. We have become so accustomed to being put down or taken for granted or to not being taken seriously or to just casual encounters that meaningful relationships have become elusive.

We need to reexamine ourselves as a society. Where did we go wrong? When did our women stop seeing value in themselves? Or better yet, why do our men treat women as valueless creatures? What is the problem?

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Before I go into the society’s problems let me fix my own first. I’m learning to accept the things I cannot change. I’m learning to live in the moment. I’m learning to love myself so that I can alow others to love me and for me to love them back. Maybe we should all do that. Maybe if we all loved ourselves more we would be able to love each other and be more compassionate towards each other.

In the meantime I’ll be here trying to figure out my happy ending?

Peace&Love

Men Never Appreciate A Good Girl. (Redefining The Bad Bitch)

If you are not one for strong language then stop reading this post right now!!

Give a man a good woman and he will turn her into a bad bitch! Men claim they want a good woman, someone who will love them unconditionally but still give them their space. A beautiful woman who can cook, raise his children and still be independent. A woman who will compliment them but she should know her place. I’ll tell you something for free right now, she doesn’t exist!!!
You want someone who will sit beside you, look pretty and obey your every command? Go get yourself a damn dog!!!
Good women still exist though. She will be down for you 100% but you have to be down for her too. Its not one way traffic. If you think you deserve a good woman, you sure as hell have to be a good man too.

We women cater to you and brake our backs bending over backwards to make you happy but we end up being taken for granted. So we turned into Bad Bitches!
We still love hard and we’ll hold you down 100% but we will NOT stick around through your bullshit! Go figure you shit out and grow the fuck up! Take a couple seats and calm your ass down then learn how to treat a woman!
We are not going to be treated like we don’t matter. We have lives too boo boo! As much as this may be hard for you to believe, the universe does not revolve around you!
I can already hear the guys going ‘she is bitter’ or ‘someone must have bumped her’ well…..I have been heart broken a few times but that’s fine. We all have to kiss a few frogs as the saying goes. I’m not bitter about that but what I’m bitter about is, guys don’t treat a good girl well. I’m not saying we are saints but we try with all we have to be there for you, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Yet some of you don’t see what you have right in front of you.
Ladies, if he ain’t going to treat you the way he should then LET IT GO!!!

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I’m just saying….as much as this niggas be trippin, we let them. Be done with him and move on. Be happy with who you are first before you start thinking about making other people happy.

Self love first ladies….Men too.  Because hurt people hurt people.

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Enough said…..#foodforthought

Lessons Boyfriend/Husbands can learn from Safaricom

For those who don’t know, safaricom is a telecommunications company in Kenya. Its has the largest customer base in the country.
I’ve wanted to write this post for the longest time and never really got around to it. So here we go….

1. Be the first to text me every morning
Every morning when I wake up, I get a text from safaricom. Its annoying on safaricom’s part but if I got a text for my significant other every morning I’d feel loved and start the day happy. (I am working under the assumption that you would only text your significant other sweet and loving things not to remind them to pay a certain bill or something like that. That is as annoying as safaricom)

2. Text me during the day
I know people will say I’m busy and what not but, just to know you are thinking about me when we are not together makes me feel appreciated. It will only make me love you more. (Again this is a sweet text not a pay the bills like, mshiwari or okoa jahazi texts. like, ‘i miss you or I hope you are having a lovely day’ kind of text)

3. text to remind me of things I already know.
I know you love me but, a random text in the middle of the day to remind me of that fact will go a long way.

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Okay safaricom, I know I haven’t paid my okoa jahazi debt and whatever so leave me the hell alone!!!!

4. Keep me wanting more.
So many people I know, myself included, want to leave safaricom as service provider. But every time I want to leave there’s a new promotion that keeps me loyal.  Boyfriends and husbands can learn a lot from this. It’s not enough that you have me. Keep me interested and wanting more. Keep me so focused on you that you are and will always be the apple of my eye. Plan for fun things for us to do together. Do things for me that will make me feel appreciated, buy me thoughtful gifts. Hold my hand as we walk down the street, and most importantly never stop telling me how much you love me.

I know the guys are like, why are we the only ones doing things and saying things. Well, guys, For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Just rest assured that if you do and say all of these, you will be treated as well if not better than how you treat her. The same applies to all the negative stuff too by the way….and consistency is key. You can’t do this for a while then expect a life of gratitude. You can’t expect a life time of me loving and catering to you for the weekend you took me to Naivasha in 2010. If you expect to be treated well by her for the rest of your life, treat her well for the rest of her life. Like I said, for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. So choose your actions wisely, for the reaction is bound to happen.

Peace&love