It angers me that I still think about him. He lied to me, took me for granted and stole a possible future from me! Why do I still think about him?
I’m being too harsh on myself, one half of me thinks. After all, I did love this man. Love….love? Did I really? Did I really love this man? If you didn’t why are you still thinking about him? Why are you still concerned about his mother’s health? Why do you still feel like you need to ask or remind him about certain things in his life?
Honestly….. I don’t know. What I know is whatever it was I felt for him, it was deep. It was so deep that I lost myself in it.
Why did you leave him then?
I left him out of self love. I love me too much to let myself get lost in something/someone that hurt me and didn’t bring me joy.
It took me sometime to learn that I can’t love someone out of their brokenness. My love for them can’t will them to fix themselves. All this did was break me. I was breaking apart and I didn’t ever realize it because I was too busy loving a broken man. It took too much out of me that I broke too.
There we were two broken people trying to love each other but only hurting each other more.
Saying he was broken doesn’t take away from all his wonderful qualities that made me fall in love with him in the first place. We had no business being in a relationship with each other or anyone else for that matter. He didn’t have much to give and I didn’t have enough. Now I don’t have anything left to give anyone myself included because I gave it all to him…..which angers me!
I was there for this man! I took on his burdens! They were heavy AF! But I took them on anyway. In my mind, helping him would make him realize that he’s loved, he’s cared for, someone’s got his back. I can’t speak for him, I can only speak on what I saw and felt. I felt unloved, unappreciated and I felt like he didn’t have my back and here I was…still am, carrying his burdens for him. Breaking my back for man who seems not to give a shit about me!
My friend Wangui says I’m attracted to broken things. I want to fix everything. There’s some truth to that because I have a slight case of OCD. But this is extreme even for OCD!
I’m trying to let go of all the baggage I’ve picked up over the years. It’s hard because I thought I was over a lot of it and had let it go only to realize I was still carrying all that shit with me.
I’m just now accepting that a lot of things that I told myself I was are not true and that’s the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my life.
Facing myself as broken as I am now and loving me in this state is hard! Accepting that I’m broken and loving myself anyway is the most liberating feeling yet. I know I’m on a journey back to being whole but I’m glad this journey has began.
I’m learning it’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to miss him. Its okay to feel frustrated with myself for missing him. It’s all part of this journey.
Today I end this post with a piece whose author I don’t know but this piece speaks to me on a very deep level….
Also if you know who wrote it, let me know so I can give them due credit.