I recently had a conversation with my friend Wangui, about how we as women have put up such high walls to protect ourselves from men and/or boys who time and time again have used our hearts as disposable play things.
So….let me back track so you can get some perspective. I met a guy who I click with, in various ways 😉 then I found myself in a situation. I’ve never been in a situation before. I don’t know what the ins and outs of a situation are. I hear each situation is different. Anyway, so back to this guy. He has been so nice to me and so mature about things and he takes the initiative to ask me to do things with him. He knows where he wants the situation to end up and what he wants out of it. Guys, this is a first for me!
I have only been with men (read boys) who only did things because I asked or because I nagged them to do those things. I’ve never been with a guy who thought it was his responsibility to make me feel secure in our relationship. In the past, if I had an issue or raised an issue with the guy or the relationship, I’d get blamed for it or told I’m imaging things or just get dismissed. Now, all my thoughts are valid and most things i say are taken into consideration.
He is almost everything I’d want in a man. He is driven, self-awear, he is kind yet assertive. He is responsible and to top it all off, he is very good looking with a killer smile. We get on really well, we can talk about literally anything and I feel comfortable around him.
All of that said, you’d think that I can’t wait to be in a relationship with this amazing guy. Well, I can’t wait…. But I’m in my own way. I’m scared. I’m really really scared. Every single time I’ve opened my heart up to the possibility of love, it’s been broken. I’ve built walls around my heart to protect it from breaking again. This is now becoming a problem, because I’ve had theses walls up for three years, I think I’ve forgotten how to exist without them. I’ve forgotten how to be in a relationship, how to be a girlfriend. I’m used to only thinking about me and what I want to do. I’ve become very selfish over the last few years, selfish with my time, my emotions and with my heart.
I’m very scared to bring down my walls. I’m scared of allowing myself to fall in love. Because I fall hard, I’m also scared of the person I’ll became when I fall in love with this guy. But most of all I’m scared of getting my heart broken again.
So now, I’m in a space where I’m falling for this guy but I’m not letting myself fall too fast, too deep.
My friend Wangui told me; wanting love and a relationship also means allowing yourself to feel. It also means that you are accepting the possibility of getting hurt. So…..I let myself feel. I’m now in a relationship and loving it.
Peace & Love.